An Open Letter to Vince Vaughn Concerning ‘Delivery Man’

In lieu of a traditional review, I would like to take this opportunity to write an open letter to Vince Vaughn:

Mr. Vaughn (Vince? Vinnie? T-Bone?),

Bro.  Come on.  What are you doing?  You’re better than this.  Why do you insist on starring in these milquetoast comedies that don’t allow you to flex your comedic chops?  Is this on purpose?  Are you just getting tired as you get older?  I feel ya on that, but this is getting out of control.  The Internship?  The DilemmaCouples RetreatThe Watch?!  Now, Delivery Man… Dude.  You’re not even trying anymore. I get it, these terrible movies have intriguing premises and I can see how you were drawn to these projects, but in spite of the horrendous flaws of each of these films, you manage to be the biggest disappointment about each one of them.

DELIVERY MANYou’ve done some great stuff: Wedding Crashers, Old School, Dodge Ball, The Cell, Made, SWINGERS!  You can act.  This latest string of films is not acceptable.  If you hope to continue getting huge pay days, you need to step it up, because you are fast becoming box office poison.  I no longer get excited when I see your name attached to a project and that makes me sad.

Let’s talk about Delivery Man, T-bone.  I know it’s a retelling of the 2011 Canadian film Starbuck, which I am loathe to see after watching your version, but how do you mess up a story about a guy who finds out he is the father of over 500 children, after a group of them sue a fertility clinic to find out who their real father is?  Implausibility aside (if your character is dead broke, how does he have such a nice, spacious apartment in NYC?), this had the potential to be a hilarious story.  Granted, the script needed some work, so it is not entirely your fault.  The scenes where you meet your children in various scenarios are rote at best, but you portray David with the alacrity of a tree stump.  If this was the first movie someone saw you in, they would think Kristen Stewart has more emotional range than you.  That’s pretty bad, man.  You are the star, the emotional center of this story.  Make us believe you care about these kids and that you struggle with wanting to be a better person.  Your expression on the poster for this film sums up your entire performance, it says to me:  “Whatevs, I got a fat check to do this.”

imagesFortunately you were not able to corrupt Chris Pratt with your lackluster mien.  Pratt kills his role as Brett, your friend and lawyer, who helps in your defense against the children’s lawsuit, as well as your counter-suit against the fertility clinic.  Pratt continues to show his flexibility as an actor, with roles in dramas such as Moneyball and Zero Dark Thirty, while maintaining the oafish charm of Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation.  Pratt is coming up the ladder fast, you need to help guide him and other younger comedic actors with your knowledge and skill.  Don’t let them see you phone it in like this.

Now I can’t really say if it was you, or if there was just a mutual lack of chemistry with Cobie Smulders, but that relationship just did not work.  I got the impression that you were about as excited to be with her as you would be to get a colonoscopy.  This is where your fast talking, smooth and witty repartee is supposed to charm the beautiful babies, as well as the audience.  Now it’s like you ate some peanut butter that’s stuck to the roof of your mouth.  Are you giving up on that type of manic line reading?  Did you sell that shtick to Miles Teller, who seems to be copying your cadence and style?  Don’t let that dude take what’s yours, own it you motorboatin’ son of a bitch!

While I know as time goes on, people change.  I may just be clinging to a bygone era, dreaming of the halcyon days of the raunchy, witty, subversive comedy.  I also understand that the material out there has become trite and cliched with few sparks of originality.  Maybe I just felt this one had potential, but it really didn’t and you really did give it your all to save this sinking ship.  I just can’t ignore your recent film history and suspect otherwise. Reclaim what is rightfully yours.  The crown of the lewd, crude, smooth talker lays unadorned upon its rightful place on your head.  Become the Vince Vaughn we all once knew and loved.  And if you do, you know who the big winner is?  That’s right!  Vinnie is the big winner!

Yours Truly,

Nate S. Yetman, Esq.

The Good:  Chris Pratt
The Bad:  The Sloppy Script
The Ugly:  Vince Vaughn’s Apathy

Overall:  5.1/10

Written By Nate

Nate is a loner, Dottie. A rebel. When not slaving away for the man, Nate can be found at his local movie theater watching movies or taking naps, always hoping for that rare private screening. Nate spends his time at home scouring Netflix for the latest and greatest in streaming movies and when his two cats let him, he creates reviews for friends and family on Facebook for all the movies they will probably never see. Excited to be contributing to Cinekatz, Nate can finally look at his wall, where his stolen diploma used to hang, and feel like he is finally putting his Journalism degree to some good use.

If you like us, let the world know…Share on Facebook0Tweet about this on TwitterGoogle+0Share on Reddit0share on Tumblr0Pin on Pinterest0Share on LinkedIn0Email to someone
  • GW

    Funny thing is… this seems to be getting decent reviews elsewhere. I don’t plan on seeing it at all, but my suggestion to you is if the ORIGINAL is a foreign film (yeah, Canada counts as that), SEE IT. It obviously impressed someone enough to net a Hollywood remake, right?

  • rich

    this rocks

  • The director and writer of the original was the same for the remake. Even more puzzling…

  • Shane

    Awesome!!!!! Great job, Nate.

  • rwhyan

    He’s entering into Adam Sandler territory, simple as that. These guys get paid MORE to do shit like this.

  • I heard good things about the original so was bummed with this. If Vaughn actually tried in this one and there were a few tweaks it would have been a very charming movie. Starbuck is still in my Netflix queue because I am still intrigued to see how it compares.

  • Thanks!

  • Thanks Shane!

  • Yeah that is true. Vaughn has the talent to do more drama, I just wish he do them. The way his movies have been tanking he won’t be getting those big checks much longer.

  • The array of films that Vince Vaughn has been doing as of late just kills me and also makes me wish that if I ever get to meet him face-to-face. I’d punch the motherfucker. Seeing “The Watch” on TV is something I can never get back. That was truly one of the worst films I had ever seen and the worst part is that it was shot in my own hometown and at my old high school that I hated.

  • Ben Hayward

    I dunno man, I always saw Vaughn as one of those guys who plays himself time and time again. I’m not sure I can name a film where Vaughn has truly acted. Atleast Sandler had Punch-Drunk Love. Even in his heyday with projects like Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers, his gimmick was exactly the same. Same straight guy, tell-it-like-it-is persona. Same haircut. Same flirty nature with women.

    I just think he’s getting weaker projects now because he’s getting older and younger talent has filled the void.

  • Yeah for the most part he does the same thing and the projects are pretty poor. I should the result is poor, the premises always pique my interest. He can do dramatic acting and has some range. Plus he can flip his persona and become the fish out of water so to speak, like in Wedding Crashers. But yeah, he’s been basically the same character the last several years.

  • The Watch was such a disappointment! How can all of those guys miss so terribly on that one?

  • Rodney

    God, this looked terrible, and your letter indicates just how much. Nice work, Nate!!

  • Thanks Rodney!

  • GW

    Not really too puzzling, Nick. Some remakes by the directors of the originals or others tend to be lacking probably due to studios dumbing stuff down for clueless Americans who don’t get or appreciate subtlety or endings that aren’t Hollywood enough.

    Of course, Hitchcock got it mostly right (I didn’t like Doris Day at ALL in the second version of The Man Who Knew Too Much)…

    THAT said… I wonder if the writer/director was coaxed into doing this or felt he had to make changes to fit U.S. tastes?

    Anyway, I guess I’ll check this out on cable and if the original pops up at some point, watch it as well…

  • ruth

    What a great open letter, Nate! Can’t say I’m that familiar w/ Vaughn’s work but yeah, Delivery Man looks mediocre at best and it seems rather cringe-worthy.

  • fernandorafael_c2c

    Great work, Nate! Hope Vaughn reads this and snaps out of it!

  • Tom

    Phenomenal review Nate. In fact, this has just inspired me to start up (possibly) whole new concept for reviews. everyone shall soon see my own personal disdain for this P.O.S. 😀

  • Zoë

    Absolutely brilliant and I love it!

  • Thanks Ruth! It had potential but ended up falling flat on its face. Maybe something to catch on Comedy Central in a few years.

  • Haha, thanks Fernando!

  • Haha, thanks Tom! I’d like to read your review!

  • Thank you Zoë!

  • Tom
  • Haha nice write up!